Summary of a parent meeting at school with a presentation. Mistakes of school and family education
Mistakes of school and family education
Description : The material is intended for holding both school-wide and class parent meetings Objectives: slide2 1. Study of the characteristics of the relationship between the child and parents, school.
2. Inform parents about the organization of educational work at school and in classes. 3. Update the main problems in raising children in the family. 4. Lead parents to analyze their family attitudes and identify mistakes in raising children. Progress of the meeting
Directions : Before the meeting, all parents are divided into 3 groups. Each person is given a questionnaire. Leading. Good evening, dear parents, teachers, guys. Slide3 Parenting is very hard work. This is perhaps the most difficult mental work in the world. It requires extreme patience, self-restraint, and overcoming fatigue. I will begin our meeting with a question: Why do you think parents and children often quarrel? Probably because they don't understand each other. Let's try to figure it out together. First of all, let’s all play together the game “Stand up, those who...”. I will name any sign, if it suits your family, then you get up, if not, you stay put. Let's try: Stand up, those who have one child in their family. Are there such families? Options: 1. Who has a happy family. 2. Who have three children 3. Who consider themselves strict parents. 4. Who observes family traditions and holidays. 5. Those who have only girls in their family. 6. Who knows his ancestry up to the 4th generation. 7. Those who go out into nature, relax with the whole family. 8. Who considers their child naughty. 9. Who has only boys in their family? 10. Who has complete harmony and mutual understanding in the family. (Somehow there aren’t enough of you). Thank you for your active participation. Slide 4
Family and school are work collectives, moral support, the basis for the comprehensive development of a child’s personality, a diverse system of relationships with parents, relatives, teachers, and classmates.
Morals and tastes, manners and habits, worldview and beliefs, character and ideals - the foundations of all this are laid in the family and at school. It is in the family that a child’s ideas about good and evil, about decency, about respect for material and spiritual values are formed. With close people in the family, he experiences feelings of love, friendship, duty, responsibility, justice... Teachers understand this well and successfully use it in organizing the school educational process. If there is no proper harmony of feelings in the family, if the child is influenced by an immoral atmosphere, then often in such families family upbringing becomes an unfavorable factor in the formation of personality. I would like to draw your attention to one very ancient parable. Listen to her. People lived unreasonable lives and came to an abyss. Next - death! - What should we do, who will save us? – people got worried. Let's go to the sage. — With the rising of the Morning Star the Traveler of Eternity will come. He will save you! - the sage told them. People stood by the road all night and waited for the rising of the Morning Star; I had to meet the Traveler of Eternity. “Not him... And this one is not him.... And that one is not him...” people said, seeing the early ones hurrying. One was not dressed in white clothes - that means it wasn’t him. The second one did not have a long snow-white beard - neither was he. The third did not hold a staff in his hands and did not look tired - that means it was not him either. But then the Morning Star rose. People stared at the road - where is the Traveler? Somewhere a lark began to sing. Somewhere a foal neighed. Somewhere a child began to cry. But people did not see the Traveler of Eternity on the road. They came to the sage with a complaint: “Where is the promised Traveler of Eternity?” (- Did you, dear parents, guess who he was?) - Did you hear the child’s cry? - asked the sage. - But this is the cry of a newborn! - the people answered. - He is the Traveler of Eternity! He is your savior! So people saw the child - their hope. — The child is the Traveler of Eternity! The salvation of the human race depends on him. And why? slide 5
- Because it is he who will live in the future.
If you use a psychologist’s technique, you can imagine that the child’s soul is a full cup. What kind of person do you want your child to be? What character traits should he have? What qualities would you like to give him? Probably each of you dreams that his child will grow up healthy, strong, smart, honest, fair, noble, caring. And none of the loving parents would wish their child to become deceitful, hypocritical, and vile. ... slide 6 - Look what a bright, beautiful soul the child has! And all these are the hopes and dreams of his parents. And so that this cup does not spill, does not break, but becomes even richer, the family in which your child lives should be one of the few places where the child can feel like an individual, receive confirmation of his importance and uniqueness. The family gives the first lessons of love, understanding, trust, faith. Yes, the topic of family has worried people at all times. Each family decides for itself how to raise its child. Education is the most important thing in the world. Parents are the main educators of their children. The younger generation will be the same as the family will be. But, as Makarenko wrote, “there are good families and there are bad families. We cannot vouch for the fact that the family will raise them properly; we cannot say that the family can raise them as they want. We must organize family education.” In order for the upbringing of a child to be correct, it is necessary that family laws exist and operate in the family . Slide 7 1. The law of the unity of the demands of father and mother 2. The law of the importance of praise for the child 3. The law of the labor participation of each family member in the life of the whole family 4. The law of the equal division of material and moral benefits between adults and children. If these laws are preserved in the family, if the father and mother are optimists and friends of their child, then he will succeed as a person and as a person. The child spends most of the day at school, so education should be based on the pedagogical triangle: student - teacher - family. Education is cooperation, interaction, mutual influence, mutual enrichment (emotional, intellectual, spiritual, moral) of children and adults, as a result of which both change. We present to your attention a number of pedagogical situations. Each group is given 2-3 minutes for discussion. Slide 8 No. 1. The first snow fell. The children came home happy, but in dirty and wet clothes. The mother assigns them to wash the floors as punishment. Is she right? What would you do? (punishment by labor, as a result, gives rise to a negative attitude towards work. The children did not commit any offense. Even adults, when it’s dirty outside, come in with dirty shoes and can get their clothes dirty. What do adults do in this case? Clean clothes, wash shoes. Therefore, and in our situation, we can offer the child to clean the clothes together, thereby the child will understand how difficult it is to put things in order. Next time the child will try to be more careful) No. 2. For all academic successes, adults give gifts to the child as a token of gratitude. When the girl won a prize in the Olympiad, her grandmother bought her a book about Pushkin and candy as a gift as a reward. And Nadya, unwrapping the gift, made a grimace and announced publicly: “We have books, but we don’t need such cheap candies!” And she turned away. What mistakes were made in education? What would you do? (Of course, it is very important to interest the child in learning. You can praise and encourage a responsible attitude, but material encouragement should not be included in the system. It is important that spiritual values are higher than material ones. The child perceives your smile, praise, approval as encouragement) No. 3. Two the boys got into a fight. The adults rashly punished both, and then began to find out the reasons for the fight. What mistakes were made in education? What would you do? (you can’t do anything rashly, you need to understand the situation, find out the reasons for the fight. It doesn’t happen that only one is to blame. The guys need to calm down, be restrained themselves. And only then make a decision. An angry mother can offend a child with punishment, and later it turns out that that it was possible not to punish, but to limit it to a remark.) There are types of family education that should be avoided. Let's get a look. Slide 9 “Idol of the family”, “Hyperopeka”, “Hypocare”, “Hedgehog gloves”, “Increased moral responsibility”, “In the cult of illness”. And briefly about each. Slides 10-15
“Family idol”: We adore and love the child.
Any whim of a child is a law. They admire him, every minute they find “talents” in the child. He grows up as a capricious, self-willed egoist. Released from all responsibilities “Hyperguardian”: The child is deprived of independence and follows the advice of adults. Parents dictate every step of the child and control everything. They lift the child to heaven, “preparing” a child prodigy. The child is loaded to the limit, wants to meet the expectations of his parents. Growing up weak-willed, difficulties in communication “Hypoguardian”: The child is left to his own devices. Feels unwanted, superfluous, unloved. At times they remember that it exists and pay minimal attention. He is forced to think about himself, envying all the children. “Hedgehog gloves”: They dictate to the child, they order, they take it out on him and discharge themselves. They only inspire submission. The child does not know affection and warmth, obeying unquestioningly. Grows up emotionally unresponsive, harsh towards loved ones, with often violent reactions of protest “Increased moral responsibility”: A huge responsibility is placed on the child’s shoulders, usually beyond his or her age. They dream of realizing their unfulfilled hopes in children. The child is assigned to take care of the younger ones in the house or the elderly. “In the cult of illness”: When a child suffers from a fairly serious chronic disease. Fearing that the child will get sick, they are shaking over him, preventing all his desires. He takes advantage of the existing situation and abuses it. The child wants all his wishes to be fulfilled and to be taken care of. Such a child is a little tyrant, he pretends, invents a new disease in order to achieve everything. Expects sympathy and compassion from everyone. Has difficulty adapting to reality. When you think about the types of raising children, the words of L. N. Tolstoy involuntarily come to mind: “The main mistake of parents is that they try to raise children without raising themselves!” Slide 16 - But which of us is not without sin? Everyone has a negative character trait that prevents us from being better people. The dignity of a person is that he admits his shortcomings and tries to correct them. And now we ask you to please evaluate to what extent the educational institution that your children attend cultivates in them the personality qualities listed below. When assessing, use the following scale: Slide 17 5 – fully; 4 – to a large extent; 3 – at a sufficient level; 2 – at an insignificant level; 1 – practically none. Circle the number of the answer that is closest to your personal point of view. 5 4 3 2 1 . Neatness (the ability to keep things in order). 5 4 3 2 1 . Discipline (the ability to follow established rules in business). 5 4 3 2 1 . Responsibility (ability to keep your word). 5 4 3 2 1 . Will (the ability not to retreat in the face of difficulties). 5 4 3 2 1 . Good manners. 5 4 3 2 1. Cheerfulness (the ability to accept life and enjoy life). 5 4 3 2 1. Education. 5 4 3 2 1 . Intelligence (the ability to think sensibly and logically). Finally, listen to the ancient Chinese parable “Good Family.” Once upon a time there lived a family. She was not simple. There were more than 100 people in this family. And she occupied the whole village. This is how the whole family and the whole village lived. You will say: so what, there aren’t many big families in the world. But the fact is that the family was special - peace and harmony reigned in that family and, therefore, in the village. No quarrels, no swearing, no, God forbid, fights and strife. Rumors about this family reached the very ruler of the country. And he decided to check whether people were telling the truth. He arrived in the village, and his soul rejoiced: all around was purity, beauty, prosperity and peace. Good for children, calm for old people. The lord was surprised. I decided to find out how the villagers achieved such harmony, and came to the head of the family; Tell me, how do you achieve such harmony and peace in your family. He took a piece of paper and began to write something, he wrote for a long time - apparently he was not very good at reading and writing. Then he handed the sheet to the bishop. He took the paper and began to sort out the old man’s scribbles. I took it apart with difficulty and was surprised. Three words were written on the paper: love; forgiveness; patience. And at the end of the sheet: a hundred times love, a hundred times forgiveness, a hundred times patience. The bishop read it and asked: “Is that all?” “Yes,” answered the old man, “this is the basis of the life of any good family.” And, after thinking, he added: “And peace too.” So let peace and harmony reign in your families, the basis of which is love, forgiveness and patience. List of used literature and Internet sources. 1. Parental education and school / ed.
L. G. Petryaevskaya. – M: Education, 1988. 2. Pavlov, A. Ten mistakes in education that everyone has ever made // Education of schoolchildren. – 2001. – No. 8. 3. Peregibov, G. The ABCs of education: advice to parents // Education of schoolchildren. – 2001.– No. 7, 8. 4. Family education: a brief dictionary / comp. I. V. Grebennikov, L. V. Kovinko. – M.: Education, 1990. Presentation on the topic: “Mistakes in school and family education”
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The role of parents in the development of the child and the mistakes of family education
11.05.2011 7042 1238
The role of parents in the development of the child and the mistakes of family education.
The role of parents in the development of the child.
Good parents raise good children. As often as we hear this statement, we often find it difficult to explain what it means to be good parents.
Future parents think that they can become good by studying specialized literature or mastering special parenting methods. Undoubtedly, pedagogical and psychological knowledge is necessary, but knowledge alone is not enough. Can we call those parents good who never doubt, are always confident that they are right, always accurately imagine what the child needs and what he can, who claim that at every moment of time they know what to do right and can foresee with absolute accuracy? not only the behavior of your own children in various situations, but also their future lives?
Can we call those parents good who arrive in constant anxious doubts, are lost every time they encounter something new in the child’s behavior, do not know whether it is possible to punish, and if they resort to punishment for an offense, they immediately believe that were they wrong? Anything unexpected in a child’s behavior causes them fear; it seems to them that they do not have authority, and sometimes they doubt whether their own children love them. They often suspect children of certain bad habits, express concern about their future, fear bad examples, the adverse influence of the “street,” and express doubts about the mental health of children.
Apparently, neither one nor the other can be classified as good parents. Both increased parental confidence and excessive anxiety do not contribute to successful parenting.
When assessing any human activity, they usually proceed from some ideal, norm. In educational activities, apparently, such an absolute norm does not exist. We learn to be parents, just as we learn to be husbands and wives, as we learn the secrets of mastery and professionalism in any business.
In parental work, as in any other work, mistakes, doubts, temporary setbacks, defeats that are replaced by victories are possible. Raising in a family is the same life, and our behavior and even our feelings towards children are complex, changeable and contradictory. In addition, parents are not similar to each other, just as children are not similar to each other. Relationships with a child, as well as with each person, are deeply individual and unique.
For example, if parents are perfect in everything, know the correct answer to any question, then in this case they are unlikely to be able to fulfill the most important parental task - to instill in the child the need for independent search, for learning new things.
Parents constitute the child's first social environment. The personalities of parents play a vital role in the life of every person. It is no coincidence that we mentally turn to our parents, especially our mother, in difficult moments of life. At the same time, the feelings that color the relationship between the child and parents are special feelings, different from other emotional connections. The specificity of the feelings that arise between children and parents is determined mainly by the fact that the care of parents is necessary to support the child’s very life. And the need for parental love is truly a vital need of a small human being. The love of every child for his parents is boundless, unconditional, limitless. Moreover, if in the first years of life love for parents ensures one’s own life and safety, then as one grows older, parental love increasingly performs the function of maintaining and safety of a person’s inner, emotional and psychological world. Parental love is the source and guarantee of human well-being, maintaining physical and mental health.
That is why the first and main task of parents is to create confidence in the child that he is loved and cared for. Never, under any circumstances should a child have doubts about parental love. The most natural and most necessary of all the duties of parents is to treat the child at any age with love and attention.
And yet, emphasizing the need to create confidence in the child in parental love is dictated by a number of circumstances. It is not so rare for children to separate from their parents as they grow up. They break up in a psychological, spiritual sense, when emotional connections with the closest people are lost. Psychologists have proven that behind the tragedy of teenage alcoholism and teenage drug addiction are often parents who do not love their children. The main requirement for family education is the requirement of love. But here it is very important to understand that it is necessary not only to love the child and be guided by love in your daily worries of caring for him, in your efforts to raise him, it is necessary for the child to feel, feel, understand, be sure that he is loved, to be filled this feeling of love, no matter what difficulties, clashes and conflicts may arise in his relationship with his parents or in the relationship of spouses with each other. Only when a child is confident in parental love is the correct formation of a person’s mental world possible, only on the basis of love can moral behavior be brought up, only love can teach love.
Many parents believe that under no circumstances should children show love for them, believing that when a child knows well that he is loved, this leads to spoilage, selfishness, and selfishness. This assertion must be categorically rejected. All these unfavorable personality traits arise precisely when there is a lack of love, when a certain emotional deficit is created, when the child is deprived of a solid foundation of unchanging parental affection. Instilling in a child the feeling that he is loved and cared for does not depend on the time that parents devote to children, nor on whether the child is raised at home or is in a nursery or kindergarten from an early age. This is not connected with the provision of material conditions, with the amount of material costs invested in education. Moreover, the not always visible care of other parents, the numerous activities in which the child is included on their initiative, contribute to the achievement of this most important educational goal.
Deep, constant psychological contact with a child is a universal requirement for upbringing, which can be equally recommended to all parents; contact is necessary in the upbringing of every child at any age. It is the feeling and experience of contact with parents that gives children the opportunity to feel and realize parental love, affection and care.
The basis for maintaining contact is a sincere interest in everything that happens in a child’s life, sincere curiosity about his childhood, even the most trivial and naive, problems, a desire to understand, a desire to observe all the changes that occur in the soul and consciousness of a growing person. It is quite natural that the specific forms and manifestations of this contact vary widely, depending on the age and individuality of the child. But it is useful to think about the general patterns of psychological contact between children and parents in the family.
Contact can never arise by itself; it must be built even with a baby. When we talk about mutual understanding, emotional contact between children and parents, we mean a certain dialogue, interaction between a child and an adult with each other.
Dialogue.
How to build an educational dialogue? What are his psychological characteristics? The main thing in establishing dialogue is a joint desire for common goals, a joint vision of situations, and commonality in the direction of joint actions. This is not about a mandatory coincidence of views and assessments. Most often, the point of view of adults and children is different, which is quite natural given the differences in experience. However, the very fact of a joint focus on resolving problems is of paramount importance. The child should always understand what goals the parent is guided by in communicating with him. A child, even at a very young age, should become not an object of educational influence, but an ally in common family life, in a certain sense its creator and creator. It is when the child participates in the common life of the family, sharing all its goals and plans, that the usual unanimity of upbringing disappears, giving way to genuine dialogue.
The most significant characteristic of dialogical educational communication is the establishment of equality of positions between the child and the adult.
It is very difficult to achieve this in everyday family communication with a child. Usually the spontaneously arising position of an adult is a position “above” the child. An adult has strength, experience, independence - a child is physically weak, inexperienced, completely dependent. Despite this, parents must constantly strive to establish equality.
Equality of positions means recognizing the active role of the child in the process of his upbringing. A person should not be an object of education; he is always an active subject of self-education. Parents can become masters of their child’s soul only to the extent that they manage to awaken in the child the need for their own achievements, their own improvement.
The requirement for equality of positions in dialogue is based on the indisputable fact that children have an undoubted educational impact on the parents themselves. Under the influence of communication with their own children, engaging in various forms of communication with them, performing special actions to care for the child, parents change significantly in their mental qualities, their inner mental world is noticeably transformed.
On this occasion, addressing parents, J. Korczak wrote: “It is a naive opinion that, while supervising, controlling, teaching, instilling, eradicating, shaping children, a parent, mature, formed, unchanging, does not succumb to the educational influence of the environment, surroundings and children.”
Equality of positions does not mean that parents, when building a dialogue, need to stoop to the level of the child; no, they have to rise to the understanding of the “subtle truths of childhood.”
Equality of positions in dialogue lies in the need for parents to constantly learn to see the world in its most diverse forms through the eyes of their children.
Contact with a child, as the highest manifestation of love for him, should be built on the basis of a constant, tireless desire to learn the uniqueness of his individuality. Constant tactful peering, feeling into the emotional state, the inner world of the child, the changes occurring in him, especially his mental structure - all this creates the basis for deep mutual understanding between children and parents at any age.
Adoption.
In addition to dialogue, in order to instill in a child a feeling of parental love, one more extremely important rule must be followed. In psychological language, this side of communication between children and parents is called child acceptance. What does it mean? Acceptance means recognition of the child’s right to his inherent individuality, to be different from others, including being different from his parents. To accept a child means to affirm the unique existence of this particular person, with all his inherent qualities. How can you accept a child in everyday communication with him? First of all, it is necessary to pay special attention to the assessments that parents constantly express when communicating with their children. Negative assessments of the child’s personality and inherent character qualities should be categorically abandoned. Unfortunately, for most parents, statements like: “What a clueless guy! How many times to explain, stupid!”, “Why did I even bring you into the world, you stubborn, scoundrel!”, “Any fool in your place would understand what to do!”
All future and current parents should understand very well that every such statement, no matter how fair in essence it may be, no matter what the situation may be, causes serious harm to contact with the child and violates confidence in parental love. It is necessary to develop a rule for yourself not to evaluate the child himself negatively, but to criticize only an incorrectly carried out action or an erroneous, thoughtless act. A child must be confident in parental love, regardless of his current successes and achievements. The formula for true parental love, the formula for acceptance is not “I love because you are good,” but “I love because you exist, I love who you are.”
But if you praise a child for what he has, he will stop in his development, how can you praise him if you know how many shortcomings he has? Firstly, it is not just acceptance, praise or blame that raises a child; education consists of many other forms of interaction and is born in living together in a family. Here we are talking about the realization of love, about creating the right emotional foundation, the right sensory basis for contact between parents and child. Secondly, the requirement to accept a child, to love him as he is, is based on recognition and faith in development, and therefore in the constant improvement of the child, on understanding the infinity of human knowledge, even if he is still very small. The ability of parents to communicate without constantly judging the child’s personality is helped by faith in all that is good and strong that is in every child, even the most disadvantaged. True love will help parents give up fixing weaknesses, shortcomings and imperfections, and will direct educational efforts to reinforce all the positive qualities of the child’s personality, to support the strengths of the soul, and to combat weaknesses and imperfections.
Contact with a child based on acceptance becomes the most creative moment in communicating with him. Stereotyping and stereotyping, operating with borrowed or inspired schemes, go away. The creative, inspired and always unpredictable work of creating more and more new “portraits” of your child comes to the fore. This is the path of more and more new discoveries.
It is important to evaluate not the child’s personality, but his actions and deeds by changing their authorship. Indeed, if you call your child a klutz, lazy or dirty, it is difficult to expect that he will sincerely agree with you, and it is unlikely that this will make him change his behavior. But if this or that action is discussed with full recognition of the child’s personality and affirmation of love for him, it is much easier to make sure that the child himself evaluates his behavior and draws the right conclusions. He may make a mistake next time or, due to weakness of will, take an easier path, but sooner or later “the height will be achieved”, and your contact with the child will not suffer from this in any way; on the contrary, the joy of achieving victory will become your common joy.
Monitoring negative parental assessments of a child is also necessary because very often parental condemnation is based on dissatisfaction with one’s own behavior, irritability or fatigue, which arose for completely different reasons. Behind a negative assessment there is always an emotion of condemnation and anger. Acceptance makes it possible to penetrate into the world of children’s deeply personal experiences, and the emergence of sprouts of “complicity of the heart.” Sadness, not anger, sympathy, not vindictiveness - these are the emotions of those who truly love their child, accepting parents.
Child's independence.
The bond between parent and child is one of the strongest human bonds. The more complex a living organism is, the longer it must remain in close dependence on the mother organism. Without this connection, development is impossible, and interrupting this connection too early poses a threat to life. Man belongs to the most complex biological organisms, and therefore will never become completely independent. A person cannot draw vitality only from himself. Human life, as psychologist A.N. Leontyev said, is a disjointed, divided existence, the main feature of which is the need for rapprochement with another human being. At the same time, the child’s relationship with his parents is internally conflicting. If children, growing up, increasingly acquire a desire to distance this connection, parents try to hold on to it as long as possible. Parents want to protect young people from the dangers of life, share their experience, warn, and young people want to gain their own experience, even at the cost of losses, they want to get to know the world themselves. This internal conflict can give rise to many problems, and problems of independence begin to appear quite early, in fact from the very birth of the child. Indeed, the chosen distance in communication with the child is already manifested in one or another reaction of the mother to the baby’s crying. What about the first independent steps, the first “I am myself!”, the entrance into the wider world associated with the beginning of attending kindergarten? Literally every day in family education, parents must determine the boundaries of distance.
The solution to this problem, in other words, providing the child with one or another measure of independence is regulated primarily by the child’s age, new skills, abilities and opportunities for interaction with the outside world acquired by him during development. At the same time, much depends on the personality of the parents, on the style of their attitude towards the child. It is known that families vary greatly in varying degrees of freedom and independence provided to children. In some families, a first-grader goes to the store, takes his little sister to kindergarten, and travels to classes across the city. In another family, a teenager is accountable for all, even small, actions; he is not allowed to go on hikes and trips with friends, protecting his safety. He is strictly accountable in choosing friends, all his actions are subject to the strictest control.
It must be borne in mind that the established distance is associated with more general factors that determine the process of upbringing, primarily with the motivational structures of the parents’ personality. It is known that the behavior of an adult is determined by a fairly large and complex set of various incentives, denoted by the word “motive”. In a person’s personality, all motives are arranged into a specific, individual, moving system. Some motives become defining, dominant, and most significant for a person, while others acquire a subordinate significance. In other words, any human activity can be defined through the motives that motivate it. It happens that activity is stimulated by several motives, sometimes the same activity is caused by motives that are different or even opposite in their psychological content. To properly build upbringing, parents need from time to time to determine for themselves the motives that motivate their own educational activities, to determine what motivates their educational conditions.
The distance that has become predominant in relationships with a child in the family directly depends on the place of upbringing activities in the entire complex, ambiguous, and sometimes internally contradictory system of various motives for an adult’s behavior. Therefore, it is worth realizing what place the activity of raising the unborn child will occupy in the parent’s own motivational system.
Mistakes of family education.
Education and the need for emotional contact.
Man, as a social being, has a unique form of orientation—direction toward the mental appearance of another person. The need for “guidelines” in the emotional mood of other people is called the need for emotional contact. Moreover, we are talking about the existence of two-way contact, in which a person feels that he himself is the subject of interest, that others are in tune with his own feelings. Every healthy person experiences such consonant emotional contact, regardless of age of education or value orientations.
It may happen that the goal of raising a child turns out to be “inserted” precisely into meeting the needs of emotional contact. The child becomes the center of the need, the only object of its satisfaction. There are many examples here. These include parents who, for one reason or another, have difficulty communicating with other people, single mothers, and grandmothers who devote all their time to their grandchildren. Most often, big problems arise with such upbringing. Parents unconsciously fight to preserve the object of their need, preventing the child’s emotions and affections from leaving the family circle.
Education and the need for meaning in life.
Big problems arise in communicating with a child if education has become the only activity that fulfills the need for meaning in life. The need for meaning in life, analyzed by the Polish psychologist K. Obukhovsky, characterizes the behavior of an adult. Without satisfying this need, a person cannot function normally and cannot mobilize all his abilities to the maximum extent. Satisfaction with this ability is associated with justifying for oneself the meaning of one’s existence, with a clear, practically acceptable and deserving of the approval of the person himself, the direction of his actions. Does this mean that a person is always aware of the general meaning of his actions, his life? Obviously not, but everyone strives, if necessary, to find the meaning of their life.
Taking care of a child can satisfy the need for meaning in life. A mother, father or grandmother may believe that the meaning of their existence is to care for the physical condition and upbringing of the child. They may not always realize this, believing that the purpose of their life lies elsewhere, but they feel happy only when they are needed. If a child grows up and leaves them, they often begin to understand that “life has lost all meaning.” A striking example of this is a mother who does not want to lose her position as a “guardian,” who washes a fifteen-year-old boy with her own hands, ties his shoelaces, since “he always does it badly,” and does his schoolwork for him, “so that the child does not get overtired.” As a result, he receives the required feeling of his necessity, and he pursues every manifestation of his son’s independence with amazing tenacity. The harm of such self-sacrifice for a child is obvious.
Education and the need for achievement.
For some parents, raising a child is motivated by the so-called achievement motivation. The purpose of education is to achieve what parents failed to do due to lack of necessary conditions, or because they themselves were not sufficiently capable and persistent. The father wanted to become a doctor, but he failed, so let the child fulfill his father’s dream. The mother dreamed of playing the piano, but there were no conditions for this, and now the child needs to study music intensively.
Such parental behavior unconsciously acquires elements of selfishness for the parents themselves: “We want to mold the child in our image, because he is the continuer of our life...”
The child is deprived of the necessary independence, the perception of his inherent inclinations and formed personal qualities is distorted. Usually, the child’s capabilities, interests, and abilities that differ from those associated with programmed goals are not taken into account. The child is faced with a choice. He can squeeze himself into the framework of parental ideals that are alien to him only in order to ensure the love and sense of satisfaction of his parents. In this case, he will follow a false path that does not correspond to his personality and abilities, which often ends in complete fiasco. But a child can rebel against demands that are alien to him, thereby causing disappointment to his parents due to unfulfilled hopes, and as a result, deep conflicts arise in the relationship between the child and his parents.
Education as the implementation of a certain system.
The organization of upbringing in a family according to a certain system can be considered an option for realizing the need for achievement.
There are families where the goals of education seem to move away from the child himself and are directed not so much at him, but at the implementation of the education system recognized by the parents. These are usually very competent, erudite parents who devote a lot of time and trouble to their children. Having become acquainted with any educational system and, for various reasons, trusting it, parents pedantically and purposefully begin its tireless implementation.
One can even trace the history of the formation of such educational goals, which often arise as a tribute to a certain fashion in education. Some parents follow the ideas of the educational provisions of the Nikitin family, which defend the need for early intellectual training, or the call: “Swim before you walk”; In other families, an atmosphere of complete forgiveness and permissiveness reigns, which, according to parents, implements the Spock model of education.
Undoubtedly, each of these educational systems has its own valuable findings, a lot of useful and important things. Here we are only talking about the fact that some parents follow certain ideas and methods of education too obediently, without sufficient criticism, forgetting that it is not the child for upbringing, but upbringing for the child. It is interesting that parents who follow the “system implementation” type of upbringing are internally similar; they are united by one common feature - relative inattention to the individuality of their child’s mental world. It is characteristic that in essays on the topic “Portrait of my child”, such parents, imperceptibly to themselves, not so much describe the character, tastes, habits of their children, but rather set out in detail how they raise the child.
Education as the formation of certain qualities.
Problems of independence are also aggravated in cases where upbringing is subordinated to the motive of developing a certain quality desirable for parents.
Under the influence of past experience, the history of the development of a person’s personality, so-called extremely valuable ideas can appear in his mind. They can be ideas about one or another human quality as the most valuable, necessary, helping in life. In these cases, the parent structures his upbringing in such a way that the child is necessarily endowed with this “especially valuable” quality. For example, parents are confident that their son or daughter must be kind, erudite and courageous.
In cases where the values of parents begin to conflict either with the age-related characteristics of the child’s development or with his or her inherent individual characteristics, the problem of independence becomes especially obvious.
A typical and striking example is the situation when a passion for sports leads to the fact that spouses make plans for joint family trips, yachting, skiing, without noticing that in their dreams of a future child they still see a boy... A boy is born... girl. But upbringing is built according to a pre-programmed, highly valuable model. An emphasized masculine style of clothing, an abundance of sports exercises, somewhat excessive for a girl, a skeptical, mocking attitude towards playing with dolls, and even a playful, seemingly affectionate nickname, Tomboy, are also masculine. All this can lead to negative consequences in mental development and even cause serious illness in the child. There is a double danger here. Firstly, a girl may develop traits of the opposite sex that interfere with correct and timely gender identification, in other words, her awareness of herself as a future woman may be distorted. Secondly, by imposing on the child qualities that are not inherent in him, parents seem to convince him that the child is not needed the way he is, and emphasize their non-acceptance. And this is the most unacceptable
The most dangerous style of attitude towards a child is the most dangerous for a child’s mental development.
We also encounter another type of realization of highly valuable educational ideals. The mother of a ten-year-old boy came to a psychological consultation with complaints of increasing stuttering, which first appeared in her son at the age of five. During classes with a child in a play group, it was discovered that stuttering, although the most noticeable, is a private, speech, manifestation of a more general ability of the child. He has developed a habit of delaying any response. It turned out that the boy gave an effective or verbal answer to any question or behavior of his playing partners after a long pause. There was no doubt about the difficulty of understanding the issue or situation. The boy studied well, played the violin, read a lot, and passed all intelligence tests. And yet, in communication, any important signal was accompanied by a delay. It gradually became clear that the reason lay in the way the mother implemented consciously accepted educational goals that were especially significant for her. She proceeded from principles that were quite attractive from a moral point of view about universal kindness, forgiveness, the impossibility of causing pain, and “non-resistance to evil.” From the very first days of life, similar principles, which for the child resulted in all sorts of restrictions on his activity, accompanied every step, every action of the baby.
In this example, a behavior disorder arose as a consequence of the implementation of overvalued parental demands without taking into account the characteristics of the developmental stage and age-related capabilities of the child.
As can be seen from the above examples, providing a child with one or another measure of independence, a shorter or longer distance, is determined by the motives that “interpret” upbringing.
It seemed that if the only or main motive for upbringing is the need for emotional contact, or the need for achievement, or the need for meaning in life, upbringing is carried out at a shortened distance and the child is limited in his independence. When implementing a certain system of upbringing, when the motive of upbringing is, as it were, pushed aside from the child, the distance can be any; this is determined not so much by the personal attitudes of the parents or the characteristics of the children, but by the recommendations of the chosen system. But the problem of independence is clearly evident here too. It looks like the problem of a child’s lack of freedom to express his inherent individual qualities. Similarly, the overvalued motives of parents that regulate upbringing limit the freedom of development of the child’s inherent inclinations, complicate development, disrupting its harmony, and sometimes distorting its course.
Educational goals.
Future parents, of course, are thinking about how best to formulate for themselves the goals of raising their child...
The answer is as simple as it is complex: the goal and motive of raising a child is a happy, fulfilling, creative, useful life for people. Family education should be aimed at creating such a life.
Some authors have tried to trace how the character traits of parents are related to the character traits of the child. They believed that the characteristics of the parents' character or behavior are directly projected onto the child's behavior. They thought that if a mother showed a tendency to melancholy and depression, then her children would show the same abilities. Upon closer examination of this issue, everything turned out to be much more complicated. The connection between the parents' personality and the child's behavioral characteristics is not so direct. Much depends on the type of nervous system of the child and the living conditions of the family. Now psychologists understand that the same dominant personality trait or command of a parent is capable, depending on different conditions, of causing very different forms of response, and subsequently sustainable behavior of the child. For example, a harsh, hot-tempered, despotic mother can evoke in her child both similar traits - rudeness, lack of restraint, and the exact opposite, namely depression, timidity.
The connection between upbringing and other types of activities, the subordination of upbringing to certain motives, as well as the place of upbringing in a person’s holistic personality - all this gives the upbringing of each parent a special, unique, individual character.
That is why future parents who would like to raise their child not spontaneously, but consciously, need to begin the analysis of raising their child with an analysis of themselves, with an analysis of the characteristics of their own personality.
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